Guy after guy, date after date, dinner after dinner. Expectations are set and soars high. It's only hours, minutes, or days that it comes crashing down again. This is not the guy for me. Here I am again, alone. Sometimes I am left brokenhearted, but more often, I am relieved. Relieved that I don't have to continue a relationship with someone who has insecurities, burdens, and sometimes character flaws.
Through my years of meeting several guys in the Tri-State area I am left questioning, "God, is this all there is??" I have been on Eharmony, Christianmingle, and Match.com. Sadly, I have also been on Cupid, AYI, and other free dating websites. I may as well post, "Only contact me if I find you unattractive and old."
Family members have told me, "I can't imagine the patience you must have for all the guys you have dated."
Friends inform me, "I don't even know any guys to set you up with." After years of this, there is a part of me that feels.... dead and... empty. No hope. Where is my rescuer? Where is the one that will make all this non-sense worth it?
Luke 5: 4-5 says this, "When he had finished speaking he said to Simon, 'Put out into deep water, and let down your nets for a catch.' Simon answered, 'Master, we've worked hard all night and haven't caught anything. But, because you say so, I will let you down the nets.'"
God knows what He's doing. I have tried and tried; tried some more to only have failure stare me in the face. Reading these verses, I sense Him telling me that He will tell me who and He will tell me when. So much so that tears come to my eyes and my heart smiles a little.
Through all the dates, bad relationships, and broken hearts I forgot to hope for love. A love that will be worth it. A love that doesn't come because I wore the right outfit, or sent the right email, or looked "hot" enough. A love that God predestined as exciting, revolutionary, and completely unexpected.
Saturday, November 16, 2013
Saturday, October 26, 2013
Haunted House
Stepping into my father's house was a nightmare. It was a place I have avoided for years. His three acres is covered with overgrown trees, bushes, and weeds. Other than mowing his yard, my dad hadn't done one thing to care for it since probably... 1998. The front door, which at one time was painted white, was a yellow/brownish color.
Upon arriving I had no idea how would I handle it. I was facing a fear that I thought I could always avoid.
After knocking on the door, I could see him through the glass slowly hobbling over to open it for me. He had knee surgery earlier that day and with no one else to look after him for a day or two I had to step up to the plate.
Walking through the entry hallway I was in shock. All I could do was breath; in and then out again. The antique mirror with my dad's childhood baseball hat hanging from it; the wooden ironing board displaying framed pictures from my childhood; the mantle decorated with fake flowers and two wooden ducks kissing; the antique kitchen cupboard filled with dish towels and utensils. These are the things my mom used to decorate the place 20 years ago. They were covered in dust and looked like they hadn't been touched in decades. Between all of this décor I remembered from my childhood were piles of messy paper, 4 small trashcans lined up in the dining room, balled up Christmas wrapping paper in the corner, cans and jars empty of their food contents covering the counters. Nothing in this house has been cleaned, organized, or thrown out in years.
I walked upstairs to put my things for the night in my sister's old bedroom. Passing my childhood bedroom and all I could do was whisper, "God, why am I here?" The lacy pink curtains, the white vanity table with the tri-fold mirror, the plastic jewelry box, the wooden desk, the girl dresses hanging in the closet; the little, silk pink box with a flap on top of the chest of drawers. It was too much to take in. My bedroom was exactly the way I left it. How was I going to make it through this night? My mind was working overtime to stay positive. I was hanging onto a string for dear life. Then I saw it. "Certificate of Greatness Over Certain People Awarded To: Sarah Bode on the 27th day of October in the year 1999. For: Her Superior test score in geometry." Signed at the bottom by the X "Mandy Nichols." It brought a smile to my face. It was a rainbow in a house covered with a mental disease that can't deal with moving out of the past. This is how I always made it in life. All the friends that I have made and kept through the years.
In the kitchen that evening I found a crate filled with things from my teen years. In it was a Winnie the Pooh box that I had used to keep pictures and notes from high school. Of course it was covered with dust and a little grime, but I went through it. All the notes from Sarah Gerrety that ended with "LYLAS" (love you like a sister.) A birthday card from Amanda Knox that read "your friend forever... and ever. ... and ever... and well you get the point." April Fink wrote in bold letters, "Beautiful Bode in Braces" the week my teeth were plastered with metal my sophomore year. Missy Sterwerf always made it note-worthy to "Don't Worry, Be Happy." Mandy Nichols always wrote the most detailed letters, usually complaining about a teacher or the bean bag toss she was in charge of at Greener's fair. Most of these letters were written during class at Mt. Healthy and started with how bored they were in history, English, Spanish, etc.
Although, that night at my dad's, I didn't feel like I was going to make it through the night with a sane mind, (I sat there on the couch and thought, "Ok, right now, am I losing my mind or is he?") I did have a box of proof. A box filled with proof that I have always had good, positive people in my life. I have the privilege to call these people "close friends of mine" today, 15 years after we started at Mt. Healthy High as Freshman. You can't put a price on a positive person in your life. You just can't.
Upon arriving I had no idea how would I handle it. I was facing a fear that I thought I could always avoid.
After knocking on the door, I could see him through the glass slowly hobbling over to open it for me. He had knee surgery earlier that day and with no one else to look after him for a day or two I had to step up to the plate.
Walking through the entry hallway I was in shock. All I could do was breath; in and then out again. The antique mirror with my dad's childhood baseball hat hanging from it; the wooden ironing board displaying framed pictures from my childhood; the mantle decorated with fake flowers and two wooden ducks kissing; the antique kitchen cupboard filled with dish towels and utensils. These are the things my mom used to decorate the place 20 years ago. They were covered in dust and looked like they hadn't been touched in decades. Between all of this décor I remembered from my childhood were piles of messy paper, 4 small trashcans lined up in the dining room, balled up Christmas wrapping paper in the corner, cans and jars empty of their food contents covering the counters. Nothing in this house has been cleaned, organized, or thrown out in years.
I walked upstairs to put my things for the night in my sister's old bedroom. Passing my childhood bedroom and all I could do was whisper, "God, why am I here?" The lacy pink curtains, the white vanity table with the tri-fold mirror, the plastic jewelry box, the wooden desk, the girl dresses hanging in the closet; the little, silk pink box with a flap on top of the chest of drawers. It was too much to take in. My bedroom was exactly the way I left it. How was I going to make it through this night? My mind was working overtime to stay positive. I was hanging onto a string for dear life. Then I saw it. "Certificate of Greatness Over Certain People Awarded To: Sarah Bode on the 27th day of October in the year 1999. For: Her Superior test score in geometry." Signed at the bottom by the X "Mandy Nichols." It brought a smile to my face. It was a rainbow in a house covered with a mental disease that can't deal with moving out of the past. This is how I always made it in life. All the friends that I have made and kept through the years.
In the kitchen that evening I found a crate filled with things from my teen years. In it was a Winnie the Pooh box that I had used to keep pictures and notes from high school. Of course it was covered with dust and a little grime, but I went through it. All the notes from Sarah Gerrety that ended with "LYLAS" (love you like a sister.) A birthday card from Amanda Knox that read "your friend forever... and ever. ... and ever... and well you get the point." April Fink wrote in bold letters, "Beautiful Bode in Braces" the week my teeth were plastered with metal my sophomore year. Missy Sterwerf always made it note-worthy to "Don't Worry, Be Happy." Mandy Nichols always wrote the most detailed letters, usually complaining about a teacher or the bean bag toss she was in charge of at Greener's fair. Most of these letters were written during class at Mt. Healthy and started with how bored they were in history, English, Spanish, etc.
Although, that night at my dad's, I didn't feel like I was going to make it through the night with a sane mind, (I sat there on the couch and thought, "Ok, right now, am I losing my mind or is he?") I did have a box of proof. A box filled with proof that I have always had good, positive people in my life. I have the privilege to call these people "close friends of mine" today, 15 years after we started at Mt. Healthy High as Freshman. You can't put a price on a positive person in your life. You just can't.
Tuesday, August 20, 2013
When I Hear Classic Rock.....
When I hear classic rock I am with you. You are young and fun. "This is the best music of all time" you say. There are no anxious thoughts and depressing moods. We are laughing at your crazy dance moves. Especially the "Criss-Cross," giving the illusion that your hands just magically go from one knee to the other as you move your legs together and back out with the beat. I am six years old and you are laughing at my attempt to mimic your movement.
When I hear classic rock I am 9 years old and you are driving us home. You aren't complaining about traffic and instead doing the "neck throb." This move I am successfully doing in high school, sitting in the stands of a football game with the marching band. By moving my head from front to back to our drums, using the muscles in the neck. My friends laugh at my little, odd movement.
When I hear classic rock sometimes.... I miss you.
When I hear classic rock I am 9 years old and you are driving us home. You aren't complaining about traffic and instead doing the "neck throb." This move I am successfully doing in high school, sitting in the stands of a football game with the marching band. By moving my head from front to back to our drums, using the muscles in the neck. My friends laugh at my little, odd movement.
When I hear classic rock sometimes.... I miss you.
Sunday, June 30, 2013
Controlling Nothing
Nothing is scarier than you alone with a blank piece of paper. I like to be entertained. To expect that I can entertain myself is very scary. But, I am going to try this new adventure of writing 3 pages everyday. It can only be helpful. I know that. But, do I have time for it? The clock ticks. I tick. I am like a machine as I move to checklists, deadlines, bills to pay, and scary dreams that I don't know if I will fulfill. Some days I don't have nearly enough energy. I just feel the need to scream, "I want time alone, all alone, to sleep, to read, to write." I hate the voice in my head that says, "you should go to the grocery store," "you should be making more money," "you should be exercising" and on and on it talks. Why can't I just let God work? Why can't I find His freedom, to surrender to Him? To tell Him, "I am lucky I have food today, and I will be luckier if I have food tomorrow." I always think I should give more. Why can't I see that everything I have is God's? It's not I who controls everything and I don't have what I have because of what I have done. And yet I keep that scary thought day in and day out to feel the need to control everything. Because if I stop controlling then I will lose everything! But, here's the irony of the situation - I control nothing. Not the weather, my hearing, the guy I'm dating, God Himself, what the Bible says, who my family is, what circumstances I have today, what thieves take from me, my health, when I die, etc. I can make decisions which may or may not effect me and/or circumstances. For example, I can choose to eat more fruits or vegetable to fight the risk of cancer. But, that isn't the final determinant. This day in age we have cancer causing toxins surrounding us everywhere; from what's in the food we eat, to the air we breathe. So, if we are really trying to avoid cancer we should stop breathing. Yep, point made - we control nothing. I have desires, most of them man-made. I have insecurities, pet peeves, and an apartment. These are all man-made also. I am so tired of my relentless desire to control. Putting a mask on, no freedom here, only rules and regulations as I cling to what little security I can find on this planet. I need to, have to look a certain way, act a certain way for you to put up with me. Who knows if I always acted exactly like I felt with no make-up on? Not even a little sun tan going on? Yes, just me in my "blah" mood with pale skin. I perish the thought. This can never happen. I need blush and a funny story to tell. Quickly, I need to laugh to forget how tired and stressed I am. I feel the urge to do something creative. Sometimes it's a passion. But, lately it's been more like another item to check off the list. Kroger- check, pay student loan - check, do something (anything!) creative - .................. How does creativity work? I have always wanted the image of a creative person. However, my daily ritual of quickly changing into my running shorts and T-shirt isn't making the cut. In college I bought glasses to accentuate how smart and creative I was. They had a prescription for 20/20 vision, kept slipping down my nose, and hindered my focus whenever I tried to looked down during my shift at JC Penny. I pretended that I needed the glasses to see the price tags. So, you see? I can't even control my vision. I want a lack of it, but don't. I can't even control my cat. Have you ever said, "Here kitty, kitty, kitty" to only have the cat look in the complete opposite direction and wag the tip of their tail? Yeah - nothing. I need to get that through my thick skull - I control nothing.
Saturday, May 11, 2013
Is enjoying singlehood negative?
"In America if you are single you have one goal - find someone and find someone now. There are two stages of life, before marriage and after marriage. The first step is there only to move to the second step. As a single woman it's everywhere, "one day when you are married....",
"Singleness isn't as good as marriage because you are alone more and won't get tagged on facebook in a declaration of love by a significant other. "
I wrote the above quotes a few months. Forgetting to finish it and post it on my blog, I probably didn't think it was important subconsciously . However, it is none-the-less true and a battle I have faced for years. Well, I suppose, since I was born. It isn't other people that impose these thoughts on my, it's what I impose on myself. What I see in our society; in movies, and on facebook; has this "bigger than life" impact on me. It's not even reality. Realistically I have girls who are in serious relationships, wether married or dating, tell me that they live "vicariously" through me. My mom and a grandmother tell me to "live it up" as a young single woman who is done with college. "The world is your oyster...."
Then there is God. God has shown me all the blessings in my life and how they have stemmed from Him. What I want never equals what is His best. And yes, "God's timing" is very important.
As I have dated different guys. Some broke my heart, some got their heart broken by me, and some walked away with the same thoughts I had ("What????"). But, one thing they all lacked was a relationship with God that I could relate to. I have seen a good visual of what a health marriage looks like. It's a triangle with one point the woman, another point the man, and the top point is God. I have always known that I need to be with a man where we are looking at the same thing, which is the Heavenly Father himself. The last guy and I were looking at running as what brings as together ( as well as a few other things that doesn't belong on a "G" rated blog). How long did this relationship happily last?? About ten days.
Tonight I have a date with a man who belongs to a church and has already told me stories of how he has grown closer to God. He doesn't act like he knows it all and is very humble. Although, this will be our first time meeting and I don't know where it will go from her, I do know God has it in his hands. I have never put a relationship with a guy in His hands and it feels pretty good:) very peaceful:)
"Singleness isn't as good as marriage because you are alone more and won't get tagged on facebook in a declaration of love by a significant other. "
I wrote the above quotes a few months. Forgetting to finish it and post it on my blog, I probably didn't think it was important subconsciously . However, it is none-the-less true and a battle I have faced for years. Well, I suppose, since I was born. It isn't other people that impose these thoughts on my, it's what I impose on myself. What I see in our society; in movies, and on facebook; has this "bigger than life" impact on me. It's not even reality. Realistically I have girls who are in serious relationships, wether married or dating, tell me that they live "vicariously" through me. My mom and a grandmother tell me to "live it up" as a young single woman who is done with college. "The world is your oyster...."
Then there is God. God has shown me all the blessings in my life and how they have stemmed from Him. What I want never equals what is His best. And yes, "God's timing" is very important.
As I have dated different guys. Some broke my heart, some got their heart broken by me, and some walked away with the same thoughts I had ("What????"). But, one thing they all lacked was a relationship with God that I could relate to. I have seen a good visual of what a health marriage looks like. It's a triangle with one point the woman, another point the man, and the top point is God. I have always known that I need to be with a man where we are looking at the same thing, which is the Heavenly Father himself. The last guy and I were looking at running as what brings as together ( as well as a few other things that doesn't belong on a "G" rated blog). How long did this relationship happily last?? About ten days.
Tonight I have a date with a man who belongs to a church and has already told me stories of how he has grown closer to God. He doesn't act like he knows it all and is very humble. Although, this will be our first time meeting and I don't know where it will go from her, I do know God has it in his hands. I have never put a relationship with a guy in His hands and it feels pretty good:) very peaceful:)
Friday, February 8, 2013
Gifts From His Spirit
I took another day off today, but I feel I am finally catching up from the crazy Holidays. Once march comes I will have a little to no free time. So, I feel almost obligated to take a step back, rest, and focus on the goals.
Sometimes I feel such a need to write and express myself I could burst. Anyway, this is what flowed onto the paper this morning......
God I pray that I feel a burden when you feel a burden and joy when you feel joy. Sometime I create my own burdens such as anxious thoughts, lack of control in the actions of others, being the first to say I am not good enough. Sometimes I create my own joy such as thinking I am better than someone else and believing I will have more happiness after achieving something. All of this is "me" centered. God is no where near the middle. When I focus on God his burdens and joys become much more visible. I've been moved to tears by a friend's baby's heart surgery. The tragedy at Sandy Hook Elem. gave me a glance at devestation I didn't know existed. Watching the colors at dusk is one of God's beautiful art projects that takes my breath away. My heart rejoices with those that spend 2 weeks helping those still in need from Hurricane Katrina 7 years ago. God's heart has so much more life than mine.
This morning I learned that "Spiritual Gifts" are gifts given to us by the Spirit when we receive salvation and follow Jesus (http://www.churchgrowth.org/cgi-cg/gifts.cgi?intro=1). My test results were surprisingly not phrophecy, administration, or musical gifts. Although, I can "bust a move" on the dance floor (and bust a move I will!!). No, my result was "mercy showing." I cry with others, I laugh with others. Essentially, there is less logic in my head and whole heap of emotions in my heart. This is a gift? Honestly, if I had to choose my spiritual gift it would be something else. I would be playing the guitar right along side Robbie Rider at Crossroads Church. Or I would spend huge increments of time acquiring knowledge of the Bible so I can be the most equipped to spread the word. But, no, I cry and laugh more than the average person.
I should have put all this infomation together on my own instead of from a church website. Ever since college I have grown closer and closer to Jesus. That has led me to be more and more emotional. In high school I rarely cried. I was brought to tears probably twice in the whole four years. My senior year I wrote in an essay, "I am not sensitive" thinking I was a tough girl. Mrs. Brill, my English teacher at the time, commented "yes, you are!" I should send her a note today, "You were right. I am very sensitive, ever since God took up my heart!"
Matthew 22:36-40 36 "Teacher, which is the greatest commandment in the Law?" 37 Jesus replied: " 'Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.' 38 This is the first and greatest commandment. 39 And the second is like it: 'Love your neighbor as yourself.' 40 All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments."
John 15:9-13 9 "As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you. Now remain in my love. 10 If you obey my commands, you will remain in my love, just as I have obeyed my Father's commands and remain in his love. 11 I have told you this so that my joy may be in you and that your joy may be complete. 12 My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you. 13 Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends.
Romans 12:8-10 8 if it is encouraging, let him encourage; if it is contributing to the needs of others, let him give generously; if it is leadership, let him govern diligently; if it is showing mercy, let him do it cheerfully. 9 Love must be sincere. Hate what is evil; cling to what is good. 10 Be devoted to one another in brotherly love. Honor one another above yourselves.
1 Corinthians 13 1 If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. 2 If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. 3 If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing. 4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. 8 Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. 9 For we know in part and we prophesy in part, 10 but when perfection comes, the imperfect disappears. 11 When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me. 12 Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.13 And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.
Sometimes I feel such a need to write and express myself I could burst. Anyway, this is what flowed onto the paper this morning......
God I pray that I feel a burden when you feel a burden and joy when you feel joy. Sometime I create my own burdens such as anxious thoughts, lack of control in the actions of others, being the first to say I am not good enough. Sometimes I create my own joy such as thinking I am better than someone else and believing I will have more happiness after achieving something. All of this is "me" centered. God is no where near the middle. When I focus on God his burdens and joys become much more visible. I've been moved to tears by a friend's baby's heart surgery. The tragedy at Sandy Hook Elem. gave me a glance at devestation I didn't know existed. Watching the colors at dusk is one of God's beautiful art projects that takes my breath away. My heart rejoices with those that spend 2 weeks helping those still in need from Hurricane Katrina 7 years ago. God's heart has so much more life than mine.
This morning I learned that "Spiritual Gifts" are gifts given to us by the Spirit when we receive salvation and follow Jesus (http://www.churchgrowth.org/cgi-cg/gifts.cgi?intro=1). My test results were surprisingly not phrophecy, administration, or musical gifts. Although, I can "bust a move" on the dance floor (and bust a move I will!!). No, my result was "mercy showing." I cry with others, I laugh with others. Essentially, there is less logic in my head and whole heap of emotions in my heart. This is a gift? Honestly, if I had to choose my spiritual gift it would be something else. I would be playing the guitar right along side Robbie Rider at Crossroads Church. Or I would spend huge increments of time acquiring knowledge of the Bible so I can be the most equipped to spread the word. But, no, I cry and laugh more than the average person.
I should have put all this infomation together on my own instead of from a church website. Ever since college I have grown closer and closer to Jesus. That has led me to be more and more emotional. In high school I rarely cried. I was brought to tears probably twice in the whole four years. My senior year I wrote in an essay, "I am not sensitive" thinking I was a tough girl. Mrs. Brill, my English teacher at the time, commented "yes, you are!" I should send her a note today, "You were right. I am very sensitive, ever since God took up my heart!"
Matthew 22:36-40 36 "Teacher, which is the greatest commandment in the Law?" 37 Jesus replied: " 'Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.' 38 This is the first and greatest commandment. 39 And the second is like it: 'Love your neighbor as yourself.' 40 All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments."
John 15:9-13 9 "As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you. Now remain in my love. 10 If you obey my commands, you will remain in my love, just as I have obeyed my Father's commands and remain in his love. 11 I have told you this so that my joy may be in you and that your joy may be complete. 12 My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you. 13 Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends.
Romans 12:8-10 8 if it is encouraging, let him encourage; if it is contributing to the needs of others, let him give generously; if it is leadership, let him govern diligently; if it is showing mercy, let him do it cheerfully. 9 Love must be sincere. Hate what is evil; cling to what is good. 10 Be devoted to one another in brotherly love. Honor one another above yourselves.
1 Corinthians 13 1 If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. 2 If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. 3 If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing. 4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. 8 Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. 9 For we know in part and we prophesy in part, 10 but when perfection comes, the imperfect disappears. 11 When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me. 12 Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.13 And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.
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