Controlling Nothing

Nothing is scarier than you alone with a blank piece of paper.  I like to be entertained.  To expect that I can entertain myself is very scary.  But, I am going to try this new adventure of writing 3 pages everyday.  It can only be helpful.  I know that.  But, do I have time for it?  The clock ticks.  I tick.  I am like a machine as I move to checklists, deadlines, bills to pay, and scary dreams that I don't know if I will fulfill.  Some days I don't have nearly enough energy.  I just feel the need to scream, "I want time alone, all alone, to sleep, to read, to write."  I hate the voice in my head that says, "you should go to the grocery store," "you should be making more money," "you should be exercising" and on and on it talks.  Why can't I just let God work?  Why can't I find His freedom, to surrender to Him?  To tell Him, "I am lucky I have food today, and I will be luckier if I have food tomorrow."  I always think I should give more.  Why can't I see that everything I have is God's?  It's not I who controls everything and I don't have what I have because of what I have done.  And yet I keep that scary thought day in and day out to feel the need to control everything.  Because if I stop controlling then I will lose everything!  But, here's the irony of the situation - I control nothing.  Not the weather, my hearing, the guy I'm dating, God Himself, what the Bible says, who my family is, what circumstances I have today, what thieves take from me, my health, when I die, etc.  I can make decisions which may or may not effect me and/or circumstances.  For example, I can choose to eat more fruits or vegetable to fight the risk of cancer.  But, that isn't the final determinant.  This day in age we have cancer causing toxins surrounding us everywhere; from what's in the food we eat, to the air we breathe.  So, if we are really trying to avoid cancer we should stop breathing.  Yep, point made - we control nothing.  I have desires, most of them man-made.  I have insecurities, pet peeves, and an apartment.  These are all man-made also.  I am so tired of my relentless desire to control.  Putting a mask on, no freedom here, only rules and regulations as I cling to what little security I can find on this planet.  I need to, have to look a certain way, act a certain way for you to put up with me.  Who knows if I always acted exactly like I felt with no make-up on? Not even a little sun tan going on?  Yes, just me in my "blah" mood with pale skin.  I perish the thought.  This can never happen.  I need blush and a funny story to tell.  Quickly, I need to laugh to forget how tired and stressed I am.  I feel the urge to do something creative.  Sometimes it's a passion.  But, lately it's been more like another item to check off the list.  Kroger- check, pay student loan - check, do something (anything!) creative - .................. How does creativity work?  I have always wanted the image of a creative person.  However, my daily ritual of quickly changing into my running shorts and T-shirt isn't making the cut.  In college I bought glasses to accentuate how smart and creative I was.  They had a prescription for 20/20 vision, kept slipping down my nose, and hindered my focus whenever I tried to looked down during my shift at JC Penny.  I pretended that I needed the glasses to see the price tags.  So, you see?  I can't even control my vision.  I want a lack of it, but don't.  I can't even control my cat.  Have you ever said, "Here kitty, kitty, kitty" to only have the cat look in the complete opposite direction and wag the tip of their tail?  Yeah - nothing.  I need to get that through my thick skull - I control nothing.