Big Love

      Usually, I write like there's no tomorrow. I'm relentless; I don't care what other people think; I pour my entire self into it with no filter.
    
      This blog is different. It's not easy and I'm, honestly, a little scared.  This is a sequel to a blog post I have already written.  God is giving me truth that there will be many, many sequels to this post.  The details are fuzzy, since the future isn't in my hands, but God's.  I pray, that not myself is creatively expressed, but God's story is in this writing.

     "How many kids do you want?"  he asked on our first date.  Prior to this, only two 3-minute conversations were held with him.  Unless you count the exchange we had discussing the weather.  That happened as well:)

     Surprisingly, when he asked this question I was feeling peace.  My eyes drifted off, lost in thought.

     "Three" I answered in full confidence. I knew close to nothing about this guy except what God had already told me.  This included he had just embarked on turning his life around, God had and is saving him, and we has been working really hard.  It was excitement and nerves that battled in my brain.  Something big was about to happen. 

     "Big Love, Big Love," God had told me for years leading up to this.  "Big Love, Big Love... this is Big Love,"  God said.

     "Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me - put it into practice and the God of peace with be with you."  -Phill. 4:9

     Rewind to last summer.  I was 31 with a dating history that included countless first dates and one long relationship of 5 months.  Finding the right man to marry had been a constant prayer of mine, that at times, consisted of no words.

      "In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness.  We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us through wordless groans."  -Romans 8:26

      In July, early one morning, God had given me a vision of the man ha had plans of me marrying.  The vision was a man sitting at the end of his bed with his head in his hands.  He was feeling "crashed and burned."  Those were the exact words from God.  But, he had decided to turn his life around and God told me he is saving him. 

     Around this same time my mom and best friend started praying for my future husband on their own accord.  This propelled me to also start praying for him. Then, in November, God told me "weather like" circumstances we keeping us apart at that point.  He explained that just like bad weather happens on earth, circumstances were keeping us apart until His timing brought us together.  I felt total peace with this and I had no argument.  I knew God's timing would be the best for me and for my future husband. 
  
      The next week I sat down and wrote this mystery man a letter that started with, "Dear Future Husband,...." 

     Exactly 3 weeks later my car's check engine light was flashing while I waited at a red light.  With no knowledge of this symptom or anything that has to do with cars I could only mutter, "God what should I do?"  The fear of  my car stalling was overwhelming.  A little river of peace started flowing at the thought of, "take it to Christian Brothers Automotive."

     The next morning I walked into the auto shop to drop my car off.  It had been a whirlwind of a week and I just wanted to rip this Band-Aid off!

     The guy standing at the counter looked super nervous.  It looked like it was his first day on the job.  I wanted him to know I had a little knowledge of what was going on with my car so they wouldn't rip me off.

     "Hi, can I help you?" he stammered. 
     "Yes, I just called you... " I started.
     "Oh yeah"  he interrupted me, "you were going to drop your car off early.  You need an oil change and what else...?" he asked. 
    "My check engine is flashing at red lights and Auto Zone tested it and it read "misfire in Cylinder 4"  They advised me to buy parts for a tune-up but I checked my receipts and I had a tune-up at 90,000 miles. My step-father told me it could be a coil or a wire to a spark plug, " I finished.
     "Ok," the look on his face showed he was slightly entertained, "we can do a diagnostic test for $79.99."  I had to comply, obviously.  To finish up this transaction he had me sign some paper.
     "Cold out there," he said as I quickly signed my name.
     "Yeah," I stated "but no worries, it will be 56 on Saturday."
      "It's suppose to rain, but I do like that the weather will be better on my day off... will you be staying here or is someone picking you up?" he asked.
     "Oh yeah.." I said, "I'm actually going to run next door to Chase and someone is picking me up there... Thank you!!" as I rushed out.

     It was an interesting experience when he called to explain the diagnosis. Between the bad connection and my little knowledge of cars I didn't understand a word he said.
     "I'm sorry, I can't hear you," I declared.
     "Did you hear the price?" he asked.
     "uhhh... no"
     "$2770.00 " he stated point blank.
     I was at a loss of words and all I could ask was, "does that include the oil change?"  He was polite and reassured me it did.

     My car was surprisingly ready the next day.  He called to tell me the news. It was during a rush of activity at home and an before the auto shop closed.  He told me to call the shop if I was going to come in and pick it up that night.  In a frenzy, I asked my Uncle Stu to drop me off and I forgot to call.

     When I got there I was instructed by you to wait a few minutes.  I sat nervously on the couch, waiting to pay $3000.
      Finally, you leaned over the two-foot deep counter and told me, "I don't know how long this quality check test will take... If your car is not done before we close you can't hold it against me! I told you to call!"  It was as if he had this weighed on his mind since I walked in and he couldn't hold it in anymore.
     "I know... I know... I'm sorry," was all I could give voice to. 
     Looking back now, you struck me as being passionate and personal in that moment.
     Since this bad possibility had been added to the chaotic situation I stood up and started pacing with my 50 dollar Visa gift card, 200 dollars in cash, and my credit card. 
     Later, you replayed this moment for me on our second date, "you were just walking around with all these little cards.  Then when you laid them down on the counter I looked down at them and thought 'interesting.'" 
      I actually thought "I can't believe I get to marry this guy!!!"  God had already laid so much truth on my heart.

      "The faith and love that spring from the hope that is stored up for you in heaven and that you have already heard about in the word of truth, the gospel that has come to you.  All over the world this gospel is bearing fruit and growing, just as it has been doing among you since the day you heard it and understood God's grace in all it's truth."  -Colossians 1:6-7

     During that crazy Friday evening of picking up my car and paying a large sum of money for it God whispered, "the guy you have been praying for."
    Where this peaceful thought came from felt like "left field."  If was the voice of God.  My mind was in overdrive and it certainly couldn't have come from my own train of thoughts. 

      "As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts higher than your thoughts."  -Isaiah 55:9

     This peaceful truth happened right after you told me, "I just moved here from Kentucky.  It's just me, my son, and my dad."  The vibe that you were VERY single was strong.
     Then you asked me what I do for a living.  I gave you the same story I tell everyone, "My Aunt and I run an in-home day care.... "
     "Oh.." you said, "What's the name of it?"
     "Ughhh... nothing," I said quietly.
     ""That's cool," you said calmly, "it's just for friends and family?"
      "Yeah, something like that," I wasn't too sure where this conversation was going.
     Lastly, you exclaimed, "I need to find a place to take my son! Right now my aunt is watching him."   I just nodded my head, processing everything around me and what God had just said moments ago.

     When the Visa gift card and cash had been deducted from my car bill I picked up my credit card.  I announced, "Now the bad boy!" as I slid it through.
     "Bad boy," you said quietly, chuckling to yourself.  Caught off guard by this subtle, yet strong vibe, I couldn't even look up.
      A couple minutes later you brought me my keys.  You held them out a few seconds while looking at me.  After that strong pause, you dropped them in my hand.

     As I walked out that evening, I was simply glad to have me car back.  The vibes you game me and what God had told me hadn't suck in yet.

     It took me three days to just tell my mom about it.   This is what I text her on Monday, Dec. 19th:
       "So I met a guy who struck some kind of chord with me.... He might be the guy that God has been guiding me to pray for...I don't know.  He works at the Chrisian Brothers Automotive Shop... I don't want to send you this text because it may be far from anything.. But I can't stop thinking about it... All I know is I know where I am getting my oil change"  "there was just a still quiet voice in me that paid attention to him and I got a sense that he could have been the guy God told me about..."

     After I gave my mom the rest of the details she advised me to stop in at Christian Brothers Automotive and tell you about the day care.  Also, a car mechanic informed me I needed new back brakes.  A tentative plan was forming in my head and I was scared to my core to follow through.

     A few nights later, the Thursday before Christmas, my family and I saw "Awaited" at Crossroads.
    "Go in tomorrow and tell him about the day care! I'm telling you Sarah, ANY parent would appreciate it," my mom announced after I brought up this dream-like circumstance again.

     That next morning I woke up late, around 9a.m. Laying there I thought, "I'm just going to do it today. Why not?"   Since I couldn't answer that question I put a little concealer under my eyes; made and drank my protein shake; threw on my tightest black yoga pants, REI jacket, and casual boots.  Finally, I threw a big, white scarf around my neck.  It was the best I could do for a 'casual chick, Christmas Eve's Eve' look.
     Looking back now, both God and the devil were at work.  Fear in any situation is not from God and the devil is trying to sabotage God's plan.  Luckily for us, God is much stronger.  Faith in Him can move mountains.

     "You, dear children, are from God and have overcome them, because the one who is in you is greater than he who is in the world."  -1 John 4:4

     Sitting there at the red light on Cincinnati-Dayton Rd. and Fountains Blvd. I was scared for when it would turn green. It would lead to being that much closer to the shop.  I was scared of having to set an appointment to get my brakes checked.  I was scared of asking if you still needed day care.  However, I declared, "God is stronger than my feelings.... "and I pushed the gas at green.

    After parking, I walked in to find you sitting at a computer with your back towards me.  Your boss looked at you and you slowly turned around.  You didn't appear happy as you asked what I needed that day.  I told you my back brakes needed to be checked.  As I told you my name a smile started to grow on your face.  I asked if I could buy the brakes at Auto Zone beforehand.
     You slouched down towards me, cocked your head closer to me and sweetly explained, "No, you can't.. we used to allow it, but sometimes customers bought the wrong size parts and such."
     After the appointment was set we both exclaimed to one another, "See you on Tuesday at 1:00!"  Then you finished it with, "Have a Merry Christmas!"  I took a half of a step towards the door.  Quickly, I stopped and turned to face you again.
     I put my purse on the counter and asked, "Did you still need day care??  Then, I went on, "my aunt is always asking me if I know of any parents who are looking... I could give you my phone number?"   You hurriedly whipped around and grabbed a yellow pad of paper and pen to lay it all down in front of me.
      "Oh yeah, I'll have to check it out," you said quietly as I scribbled my digits down.
      "Just text me," I told you, "and tell me when you are available and I will tell my Aunt."
      I walked towards the door and turned a little towards you as you declared for the second time, "Merry Christmas!!"

   Over text I declared to my mom and sister, "I ran my 'errand'"
      "what is this errand?" Amy, my sister wanted to know.
     "You know... just 'reeling' them in!" I stated.

     About an hour later they both got the climatic text, "Yeah he just asked me out!:)"
     I had been in the kitchen making lunch when you sent the question via text:
     "I'm very glad your car is running well. I look forward to talking with you maybe over coffee or lunch?"
   "By the way it's Nolan from Christian Brothers"
     It had been eleven minutes after you sent it that I read it.
   "He's probably sweating bullets," I thought.
    I didn't delay a second, "Sure:) Sounds great:)" I typed.
    We set the time and place:  2:30 pm @ Starbucks on Monday, December 26th.

     The two days of waiting, Christmas Eve and Christmas Day, my mind could hardly handle it.  I joked with my mom that I was only a call away from the psychiatric ward.  It was the longest weekend of my life!! One minute I was flying high with anticipation and the next minute doubts, fears, and nerves took over my mindset.
   "He might just want to talk about the day care, "  my sister warned me.  My emotions swung in a downward spiral at the thought of that.

     Finally, after that weekend of mental turmoil, Monday morning arrived.  I woke up with a smile on my face and felt a whole lot more peace.
      "Today will be one big smile:)  No words people, no words!!  #feelingcheeky  #Ican'tstopsmiling" I wrote at 8:23 am on Facebook.
    
     The temperature that day was a lot warmer than I expected.  An hour and a half before our first date, standing in my bedroom, I threw my arms up in the air like a director and declared, "Ok, costume change!!"
   While I was showering, picking a lighter outfit, and debating on a change of accessories you text me, "Just checking- does 2:30 still work for you?:)"
    "Yeah, leaving now!" I responded, dashing out the door.
    "Awesomeness!"  your response kept me plugged in to stay positive about this.
     I eased my way into the chair across from you at Starbucks.
    "I got here a little early to make sure there would be a table for us," you told me.
    "Oh, yeah, yeah," I said trying to keep the ball rolling.  Which, I found out later, 'early' was an hour and a half so you could pray over this first date.
     We talked, laughed, confessed, and listened for a few hours at that table.  The highlight was when I asked you to guess my age.
     "Well, with that smirk on your face... 24 or 25?" you guessed.  I was in disbelief.
      "32" I stated.
     "How old do you think I am?" you joked back.
      "30?" to a shake of 'no.'
       "Older?" I asked.  You shook your head 'no' and pointed your thumb down.
       "28?"
       "No" with thumb moving down.
      "26?" I guessed which caused you to stop and think a second.
      "Ok, I am almost 26" you reassured me.
     I sat back a little.  Afraid the age difference would be a deal breaker, I didn't know what to say.
    Within a few minutes you asked, "Soooo, when can I see you again?" You were looking down at the table, but when you popped the question your eyes came up to meet mine. I sighed with relief and hit the ball back with "It's up to you. You sound busy" to your court.
     "I'm busy? You sound busy with your painting classes... cycling classes.." you said with a smile.
     As we left that day, the confirmation of what God had told me was in full swing.

     "I had a great time!:) maybe this Wednesday night we can talk about daycare again;)" you wrote me within minutes after our first date.
    Of course I wrote back with a joke included, ":) I had fun as well! Ok I will bring the day care contract for you to look over and possibly sign;) But yeah Wednesday night will work!"



 
Notes and Quotes from Nolan :

"The first time I saw you, when you walked through that door I thought 'If I'm going to marry... it's going to be a girl just like that'"

"We see these girls come in and the other guys will make comments about how attractive they are. 'Are you kidding me?' I ask "You poke their face and all that make-up will fall right off!'  But, then when you walked in that day with no make-up I thought, 'Wow.....she is really beautiful.'"

"When you walked out of the shop that first day, dropping your car off I turned to my boss and said, 'I'm going to marry that girl!'"  
Your boss' response?  "Good luck! She's too good for you!"

"The reason it took me a second to drop your car keys in your hand was because you weren't meeting me half-way like other customers do.... so it took a second to stretch my hand out farther."
 
"It was the color, the coat, the scarf thrown every which way, the crazy hair... and you were as cute as a button... I turned to my boss after you left, threw my hands down and declared "c'mon!!!"

"I've been at Christian Brothers Automotive for about two months now..."  (that was NOT his first day like originally assumed:))



***It's been almost 6 weeks since I first saw you Nolan.  Yet, I already can't imagine my life without you. I'm so excited God chose you to be my husband, Handsome :)
 
    
    

Mr. Right is Not Right Now

   Ninety percent of you may not believe what I will write in this blog. However, I feel compelled to write about it.  This story begins from 10, 15, maybe 20 years ago.  That doesn't matter though.  A lot of it is fuzzy, but has slowly come into focus.  We have all had experiences that make us ask, "all right, God what's going on?"  My experience could be a long story.  However, I will cut out the useless information and focus on what I know to be true.

    My dating history holds memories of drama, jerks, good guys, tears, bitter anger, emails, online dating, and one long, committed relationship that lasted 6 months!  Roughly 5 to 6 years ago God told me I wouldn't meet my husband online. That was it.  So, what did I do??? Go through years of not giving up and determined to find a guy who REALLY liked me online.  It failed miserably.  Not only did I not find a guy who wants to marry me, I did not find a man I want to marry. 

  One particular situation I tried to, once again, win over a guy. Gold told me clearly, "Don't worry about it, He is not the one." So, what did I do??  I talked to, dated, and worried if this guy liked me for the next 18 months!!! The climatic ending was when he chose a girl across the country to pursue.  However, he apparently decided to end that "romance" 6 weeks later.  A number of times I have put my head in my hands and think, "God, you were right."

    On Fourth of July I was introduced to a man who does ministry on UC via eHarmony.  I decided he was the one.  A minister from Alabama who has traveled extensively and is now making Cincinnati home?? Sign me up!!

    Sometime during July, when most of my waking hours were spent day dreaming of being a minister's wife that traveled, God told me His Truth when I woke up one morning.  He said, "You're husband is getting his act together and isn't ready for you." I got the image of a guy sitting on the edge of his bed, putting his head in his hands and there was a history of drug use. WHAT??? "Well, how long is this going to take??" I asked him. He didn't answer me.  It's possible He was rolling his eyes.  Once again, I didn't take God's words seriously.  I was emailing A MINISTER.  Didn't God see that I had the perfect guy picked out???

     After 5 weeks of emailing back and forth with THE MINISTER his true colors were revealed.  I took it upon myself to inform him of his character flaws from my perspective.  He apologized and that was that.  The experience made me sit back and declare, "So God, 6 years ago when you told me I wasn't going to meet my husband online... you were serious and that plan won't change??"

    A good friend of mine heard my dating history synopsis.  She knows God and she knows me.  She told me to respect God and never do online dating again.  Whenever I feel tempted, she said, text her.  Then she took it upon herself to fast and pray for my current singleness and my future husband.  That same night I felt her love and encouragement my mom gave me more information to keep the ball rolling.

  "I have been praying for your future husband and God told me that 'he's in trouble' and that I should pray for him," she said.

    The more I date, the more I realize that my marriage will be miraculous. It will have God written all over it.  I have used all my sources and my way isn't working.   God take over because the man you have in mind is obviously someone I will love.  And that never happens under my direction!!

  Who knows?? Maybe God told my future husband, "I have a wife for you, but she is a hot mess!!"

  

Panic Attacks, Marching Band, and Healing

  I don't want to visit this part of my past.  However, I have to, if I want to see just how big God has moved in my life.  As a daughter of a man with chronic mental illnesses, I have had my set of challenges.  It isn't anything as strong as what he has faced, definitely. 

   Sometimes I wonder, "What if my dad was normal?" "What if he wasn't caught in the ugly triangle of OCD, depression, and anxiety?" "What if he took on challenges and changes like any other successful 'normal' man?" "What would I be like?????"  Sitting here now and looking back I would have been more "normal."  I would have valued a "comfortable" job with all the benefits and perks.  I would probably be married to a guy who went to a frat at U.C or Miami.  I wouldn't have moved to Atlanta right after college graduation "just because."  My first love wouldn't have been a magician who won awards, reeked in creativity, and who suffered bipolar with a few huge nervous breakdowns in his past.  I wouldn't have the motto "Life is too short for impressive job titles."  I wouldn't see the need to do things for my own mental health, such as running long distances, working out hard core, praying constantly, cooking, painting, reading, studying the effects of nutrition, writing..... This list will continue to grow. 

   Let's start at the beginning now.  My sophomore year in High school a week went by where I hardly slept.  My circadian rhythm was off due to sickness and a slumber party.  Starting with the first night I couldn't sleep, anxiety was all over me.  Laying there all night long and feeling anxious the entire time was awful.  I was so anxious I wouldn't be able to fall asleep that I wasn't able to fall asleep.  My mom proclaimed over the phone to me, "Look, if you don't sleep well one night, then just wait for the next night."  But, that didn't help whatsoever. The anxiety wasn't going away.  I felt it all day and all night.  I went days and thought, "I am just like dad." 

   After weeks of this mental torture a friend of mine, Sarah, invited me to hear a speaker at her church.  He was a man that had been sexually abused by a Catholic priest during his childhood.  He told us of all the challenges he faced as he learned to forgive this priest.  It was all in the power of God that he was able to do so.  At the end, he asked if anyone needed prayers for forgiveness towards those who done them wrong.  A few teenage boys stepped up to the alter.  He asked the rest of us to circle around them, put a hand on their back, and pray for them.  I prayed for this kid and for the power that only God can provide.  There is no explanation on my part, but peace resided in me and the anxiety was gone.  I hadn't been praying for myself, but God answered my needs also.  That whole time of anxiety, I didn't want any circumstances to change in order to sleep and feel peace.   All I wanted, so badly, was to know if God was in my life.  Yes, he proved it.  I went home that night, simply laid down, and fell asleep.

  At times, though, the anxious thoughts would creep back in my head... "what if I can't sleep?" "what if I get huge bags under my eyes that no make up will cover?" "what if I don't get straight A's all because I am too tired??" "oh, my gosh I am going to flunk out."   But, I would pray through it and try hard to think positive thoughts.  Sometimes, it took perseverance... and more perseverance. 

  Six months later, I was about to head off for band camp.  The over taking anxiety slipped back into mind.  I could only sleep a few hours a night the few nights right before we had to leave.  I remember, specifically, packing my bags and jumping around to music at 2 am in the morning.  I told myself that it was completely normal to not sleep before band camp. 

  In the heat of July, with no air conditioning, in a dorm room at a strange college is not a good place to feel exhausted.  That first night ... I didn't sleep... at all.  I laid there and thought, "What if I don't sleep at all and then I pass out on the field??"  "What if they have to carry me away on a stretcher into an ambulance as I wave to my fellow band members, and say 'I'm sorry, I didn't get enough sleep?"  Then I stifled my laughter to that last question because my roommate was.. not awake like I was.  The alarm went off early that morning. I rubbed my head, and told a chaperone that I didn't feel good.  All of a sudden, I couldn't breath as my chest was heaving in and out.  I had no idea what was happening to my mind and body.  Thankfully, the chaperone declared, "you are having a panic attack!" and grabbed a paper bag.  She told me to breath, using the edges of the bag on my lips.  After a few seconds, I could control my breathing again.  I was told to take my time getting ready for practice.  After everyone else had headed out to the field, I slowly got ready in the bathroom. I stared at a stall door and thought, "Apparently, I can't handle a lot of stress in life so I should tone down the life goals.  It's all right if I am a stay at home or a babysitter well into my adult hood."  That day's work of marching around and holding a clarinet (like I really had the music memorized??) lead me to fall asleep that night.  The anxiety didn't leave me yet.  I had to push through it.  When I was finally home, after that week of hard work on little sleep, I was proud of myself for still living. 

    Ever since then, I haven't had anything that mentally traumatic happen to me.  Over the years, I have learned about God, myself, and what to focus on.  It has made a huge difference.  God has shown me how far the East is from the West.  When I wake up now in the middle of the night I talk to God or pray over the next day's schedule.  It oddly, brings my mind peace to raddle off what I will do, in chronological order, the next day. 

   Also, in high school and college the morning was the time of day I felt the most anxious.  Now, I love mornings, the freshness of a new day and what challenges I will hurdle or what books I will read.

  Things I have learned since High School:
  1.  God is my ultimate Father and I shouldn't strive to get approval from anyone else. 
  2.  What I eat and what my environment is can play a HUGE role in my mental health. 
  3.  There are times when I don't "feel like" doing something.  I have to make the decision to do it anyway and I ALWAYS, always am glad I did it.  My mind and body feel so much better:)  Running 8 to 13 miles is the first thing that comes to mind:)
   4.  Life is short and don't waste it on superficial, "normal", comfortable addictions...
   5. God knows what I have done and what I will do.  He knows my dad too through all the sleepless nights he has faced.  God loves us both and doesn't hold my dad's mind against him. 
  6.  My Junior year at Miami I went on a mission trip over spring break with The Navigators.  There I learned that I am at my best when I can serve, serve, serve and be under strong creative influence:) 
  7. The media is full of tricks... don't believe everything.  Research! Research!
  8. Don't date competitive runners who win races all the time... they are full of arrogance and self righteousness.  They can't stop talking about nutrition and training!!! I mean, crazy, who does that???;)
  9. God is the reason I am not worried all the time.  Sure, situations occur and negative "what if?" questions hit my train of thought.  But, just as fast, to counter act the anxious mind set, I start to pray.  Sometimes, the instant I start the conversation with God I feel calm.  Sometimes, it takes a few weeks to battle it over and over.  But, that's rare and only in extreme conditions :)
 
What things have you learned since High School???  How has God set you free from worry??

Victim of an unhealthy mind: My DAD

For YEARS my sister and I would complain about our father.  His obsession with numbers and how he couldn't talk much about anything else.  How he would never clean the house and trash for weeks on end.  How after trying to have a conversation with him, we would want to beat our head on the table.  How he could never see a positive side to things.  How ANY change would set him off to be even more depressed or anxious or both.  How he may not be able to remember something that we said, BUT he could have our phone number, library card number, our social security number, our income to the cent, our weight, our height, AND our checking account number memorized in a jiffy. 

My dad's calculator stopped working years ago and of course, to add it to the list of things he won't replace, he hasn't bought a new one.  He has been balancing his check book in his head.  Of all the things that I pray and worry about it in my father's life, his finances aren't one of them. 

Over the years while the internet and social media has taken over everyone's lives he has used the world wide web for one thing: to research animals.  He even knows about a few different parasites in detail and their Latin names.  If my dad isn't at home or work, then he is probably at the library. 

Over the past 10 years or so, every once in awhile, I will catch a moment when his mind is healthier and how it "used to be."  His laughter is contagious, he is rolling his eyes with a big grin, giving that hilarious perspective in a one liner comment and moving his head rhythmically to the beat of a 1970's classic rock song. 

When we were kids our dad would love to make us laugh.  He would roll his eyes as far as he could to the side and then calmly state with his paralyzed eyes, "oh my gosh, they're stuck." When spring would roll around, he would randomly bust out with the same poem, "Spring is sprung, the grass is ris', I wonders where the birdies is..." Then he would whistle to the best of his ability like a bird singing in the spring.

He is the man that introduced me to funny, what is funny and how to be funny.  One time my mom informed me that I got the wit and sense of humor from my dad.  It is one of the biggest compliments I have ever received. 

This past week an accumulation of events and the ugly battle with his unhealthy mind led him to the ER.  If he hadn't driven himself to the hospital... If he hadn't cried for help... If he hadn't admitted that he needs extreme psychiatric care he would have lost the battle completely. He is a victim to his mind.  He CANNOT let go of his past and he CANNOT stop the anxiety of future events.  He very rarely can enjoy a moment in life.  He did not choose to be this way.  If it were up to him he would have a different life.  He has a mental disease and needs to be treated just like any other chronically ill patient.  We almost lost him this week, but THANK GOD he is a fighter. In his very, very, VERY weird way my dad is a fighter.  God loves him just as much as missionaries, just as much as doctors, and just as much as any person with a healthy mind.

Iconic Image

You believe no one wants to be close to you. I know your iconic image and how much you appreciate being behind it. I know you love to appear as if "flying on the seat of your pants" is the best thing. I know your sense of adventure and compassionate heart.  I know you would make a great father one day. I know more than you know. Because, you see, you were an open book to me. I know what you are really searching for is a place to call home. Even though you never have "the balls" to admit it. I know your defense mechanisms and weaknesses.  You told me of the pointless dates you went on. I know your list for what your dream girl would have. I know I qualify for every detail. I know we aren't meant to be. I know... I know... I know. One day, I trust, I will wish nothing but the best for you. But, right now, today, I wish you knew that you will never find someone as beautiful as me. I grew sick of only being a listening ear and compassionate heart for you. Which, is because, I am so much more.

California Dreams

      Winter is the season where everything that needs to die does.  Spring brings the new with blooming flowers and long days full of sunshine.  Over this winter something died in my life.  It was a dream that deluded my thoughts.  There was happiness, drama, and butterflies floating around in my stomach.  But, with all things that aren't strong enough, it ended. 

     I am not living my life under the influence of pretty, little lies and there is pain.  This pain will lead me to the truth.


    Everyday that I get a bit closer to the truth I make promises to myself.  This delusion won't get the better of me.  I will kick it's butt.  I promise to work out hard and gain physical strength.  I promise to work hard, helping people with the faith I have in God.  I promise not to give up on the dream of truth. Which, this is that a man will pursue me because he is ready for love in life.  He will be a man that wants to lead a family.  He won't be so self-indulgent that using others is inevitable.


   One day I may be writing a blog about a man.  Until then, I express the steps that are taken until the relationship is found.  The last step revealed how much love I could feel and how ready I am to share it.  I am ready for commitment, not just spontaneous passion. When I say "commitment" I mean readiness to make the decision day in, and day out of sacrificing for and loving somebody else. It's only taken three decades and numerous emotional encounters to prove that I am ready.   


    Yesterday was the first day of spring.  I am getting on my hands and knees for God's truth and opportunities to take over.  I won't take this laying down.


     

Out With the Old, In With the New!!

  "Our lives are largely shaped by out perceptions of ourselves" This morning I came across this in my daily devotional, Walk With God, by Chris Tiegreen.  It has been laid on my heart recently how vital it is to get rid of the "old" and make room for the "new." As we focus on what's "new" in our lives it will change the "perception (s) of ourselves," or how well we value ourselves.  God doesn't just advise it, he mandates it.
   
    "Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come:  the old has gone, the new is here!"
                                                                                                                -2 Cor. 5:17
   
     God wants me to declutter, align priorities, focus, and keep His Purposes in the Heart of it all.  Chains to addictions, perceptions of myself, stereotypes of others, and useless icons.... "Let it go, Let it go... Can't hold it back anymore... let it go, let it go.. turn away and slam the door" sings Elsa in Frozen. 


      As I worship worldly values, I set up standards for what I look up to and dream to achieve.  When icons delude my entire mentality I put myself in chains to my personal ideology system. 


     "Don't you know that when you offer yourselves to someone [or something!] as obedient slaves, you are slaves of the one you obey - whether you are slaves to sin, which leads to death, or to obedience, which leads to righteousness?"  -Romans 6:16


     Getting rid of the old may be a challenge, a timely process.  Old feelings, habits, attitudes will only transform when we take action and faithfully pray to our Heavenly Father.  Beth Moore expressed in one of her books that when she puts action before feelings, her feelings later will follow suite.  Therefore, don't wait to "feel" like taking action. 


     "Do you not know that those who run in a race all run, but only one receives the prize?  Run in such a way that you may win."  -1 Cor. 9:24


     God has the time for me and for you to run to Him with all our energy.  Our chains to this world will be cut off.  Our decision to always be with Him will emit a bright light.  We will no longer turn to money, cosmetics, merchandise, food, sex, careers to fill in the emptiness and loneliness.  There will be 100% certainty that we are His children and the worldly values will wither like the grass.


    "For, 'All men are like grass, all their glory is like the flowers of the field; the grass withers and the flowers fall, but the word of the Lord stands forever.'" - 1 Peter 1:24-25


   This will be on God's time.  Every season will serve it's purpose.


   "There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven; a time to be born and a time to die, a time to plant and a time to uproot, a time to kill and a time to heal, a time to tear down and a time to build, a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance, a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them, a time to embrace and a time to refrain, a time to search and a time to give up, a time to keep and a time to throw away,"
                                                                                                           -Ecc. 3:16


   Today I bring home the new.
   This is who I am, in all truth and light.
   I want nothing more than to throw out the old.
   What has cluttered my mind, my life....
   What I have because it was easy and cheap...
   What was from another season in the past...
   What has already served it's purpose...
   Away with you!!! 
   My load in life needs to be lighter.
   Break the cycle.
   Break the chains.
   Get rid of the old.


   We all long for freedom, to feel complete and healthy.  If our habits and actions repeat itself time and time again, expecting them to fulfill what our heart desires, we will lose our mental health.


    "Insanity:  doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results."  -Albert Einstein


    "Insanity:  the state of being seriously mentally ill" (Dictionary. com).


    Throw the chains away and go to the creator of life, of you, of me.  Don't lose your mind putting what's not eternal "front and center" in life.