I don't want to visit this part of my past. However, I have to, if I want to see just how big God has moved in my life. As a daughter of a man with chronic mental illnesses, I have had my set of challenges. It isn't anything as strong as what he has faced, definitely.
Sometimes I wonder, "What if my dad was normal?" "What if he wasn't caught in the ugly triangle of OCD, depression, and anxiety?" "What if he took on challenges and changes like any other successful 'normal' man?" "What would I be like?????" Sitting here now and looking back I would have been more "normal." I would have valued a "comfortable" job with all the benefits and perks. I would probably be married to a guy who went to a frat at U.C or Miami. I wouldn't have moved to Atlanta right after college graduation "just because." My first love wouldn't have been a magician who won awards, reeked in creativity, and who suffered bipolar with a few huge nervous breakdowns in his past. I wouldn't have the motto "Life is too short for impressive job titles." I wouldn't see the need to do things for my own mental health, such as running long distances, working out hard core, praying constantly, cooking, painting, reading, studying the effects of nutrition, writing..... This list will continue to grow.
Let's start at the beginning now. My sophomore year in High school a week went by where I hardly slept. My circadian rhythm was off due to sickness and a slumber party. Starting with the first night I couldn't sleep, anxiety was all over me. Laying there all night long and feeling anxious the entire time was awful. I was so anxious I wouldn't be able to fall asleep that I wasn't able to fall asleep. My mom proclaimed over the phone to me, "Look, if you don't sleep well one night, then just wait for the next night." But, that didn't help whatsoever. The anxiety wasn't going away. I felt it all day and all night. I went days and thought, "I am just like dad."
After weeks of this mental torture a friend of mine, Sarah, invited me to hear a speaker at her church. He was a man that had been sexually abused by a Catholic priest during his childhood. He told us of all the challenges he faced as he learned to forgive this priest. It was all in the power of God that he was able to do so. At the end, he asked if anyone needed prayers for forgiveness towards those who done them wrong. A few teenage boys stepped up to the alter. He asked the rest of us to circle around them, put a hand on their back, and pray for them. I prayed for this kid and for the power that only God can provide. There is no explanation on my part, but peace resided in me and the anxiety was gone. I hadn't been praying for myself, but God answered my needs also. That whole time of anxiety, I didn't want any circumstances to change in order to sleep and feel peace. All I wanted, so badly, was to know if God was in my life. Yes, he proved it. I went home that night, simply laid down, and fell asleep.
At times, though, the anxious thoughts would creep back in my head... "what if I can't sleep?" "what if I get huge bags under my eyes that no make up will cover?" "what if I don't get straight A's all because I am too tired??" "oh, my gosh I am going to flunk out." But, I would pray through it and try hard to think positive thoughts. Sometimes, it took perseverance... and more perseverance.
Six months later, I was about to head off for band camp. The over taking anxiety slipped back into mind. I could only sleep a few hours a night the few nights right before we had to leave. I remember, specifically, packing my bags and jumping around to music at 2 am in the morning. I told myself that it was completely normal to not sleep before band camp.
In the heat of July, with no air conditioning, in a dorm room at a strange college is not a good place to feel exhausted. That first night ... I didn't sleep... at all. I laid there and thought, "What if I don't sleep at all and then I pass out on the field??" "What if they have to carry me away on a stretcher into an ambulance as I wave to my fellow band members, and say 'I'm sorry, I didn't get enough sleep?" Then I stifled my laughter to that last question because my roommate was.. not awake like I was. The alarm went off early that morning. I rubbed my head, and told a chaperone that I didn't feel good. All of a sudden, I couldn't breath as my chest was heaving in and out. I had no idea what was happening to my mind and body. Thankfully, the chaperone declared, "you are having a panic attack!" and grabbed a paper bag. She told me to breath, using the edges of the bag on my lips. After a few seconds, I could control my breathing again. I was told to take my time getting ready for practice. After everyone else had headed out to the field, I slowly got ready in the bathroom. I stared at a stall door and thought, "Apparently, I can't handle a lot of stress in life so I should tone down the life goals. It's all right if I am a stay at home or a babysitter well into my adult hood." That day's work of marching around and holding a clarinet (like I really had the music memorized??) lead me to fall asleep that night. The anxiety didn't leave me yet. I had to push through it. When I was finally home, after that week of hard work on little sleep, I was proud of myself for still living.
Ever since then, I haven't had anything that mentally traumatic happen to me. Over the years, I have learned about God, myself, and what to focus on. It has made a huge difference. God has shown me how far the East is from the West. When I wake up now in the middle of the night I talk to God or pray over the next day's schedule. It oddly, brings my mind peace to raddle off what I will do, in chronological order, the next day.
Also, in high school and college the morning was the time of day I felt the most anxious. Now, I love mornings, the freshness of a new day and what challenges I will hurdle or what books I will read.
Things I have learned since High School:
1. God is my ultimate Father and I shouldn't strive to get approval from anyone else.
2. What I eat and what my environment is can play a HUGE role in my mental health.
3. There are times when I don't "feel like" doing something. I have to make the decision to do it anyway and I ALWAYS, always am glad I did it. My mind and body feel so much better:) Running 8 to 13 miles is the first thing that comes to mind:)
4. Life is short and don't waste it on superficial, "normal", comfortable addictions...
5. God knows what I have done and what I will do. He knows my dad too through all the sleepless nights he has faced. God loves us both and doesn't hold my dad's mind against him.
6. My Junior year at Miami I went on a mission trip over spring break with The Navigators. There I learned that I am at my best when I can serve, serve, serve and be under strong creative influence:)
7. The media is full of tricks... don't believe everything. Research! Research!
8. Don't date competitive runners who win races all the time... they are full of arrogance and self righteousness. They can't stop talking about nutrition and training!!! I mean, crazy, who does that???;)
9. God is the reason I am not worried all the time. Sure, situations occur and negative "what if?" questions hit my train of thought. But, just as fast, to counter act the anxious mind set, I start to pray. Sometimes, the instant I start the conversation with God I feel calm. Sometimes, it takes a few weeks to battle it over and over. But, that's rare and only in extreme conditions :)
What things have you learned since High School??? How has God set you free from worry??
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