Ninety percent of you may not believe what I will write in this blog. However, I feel compelled to write about it. This story begins from 10, 15, maybe 20 years ago. That doesn't matter though. A lot of it is fuzzy, but has slowly come into focus. We have all had experiences that make us ask, "all right, God what's going on?" My experience could be a long story. However, I will cut out the useless information and focus on what I know to be true.
My dating history holds memories of drama, jerks, good guys, tears, bitter anger, emails, online dating, and one long, committed relationship that lasted 6 months! Roughly 5 to 6 years ago God told me I wouldn't meet my husband online. That was it. So, what did I do??? Go through years of not giving up and determined to find a guy who REALLY liked me online. It failed miserably. Not only did I not find a guy who wants to marry me, I did not find a man I want to marry.
One particular situation I tried to, once again, win over a guy. Gold told me clearly, "Don't worry about it, He is not the one." So, what did I do?? I talked to, dated, and worried if this guy liked me for the next 18 months!!! The climatic ending was when he chose a girl across the country to pursue. However, he apparently decided to end that "romance" 6 weeks later. A number of times I have put my head in my hands and think, "God, you were right."
On Fourth of July I was introduced to a man who does ministry on UC via eHarmony. I decided he was the one. A minister from Alabama who has traveled extensively and is now making Cincinnati home?? Sign me up!!
Sometime during July, when most of my waking hours were spent day dreaming of being a minister's wife that traveled, God told me His Truth when I woke up one morning. He said, "You're husband is getting his act together and isn't ready for you." I got the image of a guy sitting on the edge of his bed, putting his head in his hands and there was a history of drug use. WHAT??? "Well, how long is this going to take??" I asked him. He didn't answer me. It's possible He was rolling his eyes. Once again, I didn't take God's words seriously. I was emailing A MINISTER. Didn't God see that I had the perfect guy picked out???
After 5 weeks of emailing back and forth with THE MINISTER his true colors were revealed. I took it upon myself to inform him of his character flaws from my perspective. He apologized and that was that. The experience made me sit back and declare, "So God, 6 years ago when you told me I wasn't going to meet my husband online... you were serious and that plan won't change??"
A good friend of mine heard my dating history synopsis. She knows God and she knows me. She told me to respect God and never do online dating again. Whenever I feel tempted, she said, text her. Then she took it upon herself to fast and pray for my current singleness and my future husband. That same night I felt her love and encouragement my mom gave me more information to keep the ball rolling.
"I have been praying for your future husband and God told me that 'he's in trouble' and that I should pray for him," she said.
The more I date, the more I realize that my marriage will be miraculous. It will have God written all over it. I have used all my sources and my way isn't working. God take over because the man you have in mind is obviously someone I will love. And that never happens under my direction!!
Who knows?? Maybe God told my future husband, "I have a wife for you, but she is a hot mess!!"
Wednesday, August 17, 2016
Friday, April 15, 2016
Panic Attacks, Marching Band, and Healing
I don't want to visit this part of my past. However, I have to, if I want to see just how big God has moved in my life. As a daughter of a man with chronic mental illnesses, I have had my set of challenges. It isn't anything as strong as what he has faced, definitely.
Sometimes I wonder, "What if my dad was normal?" "What if he wasn't caught in the ugly triangle of OCD, depression, and anxiety?" "What if he took on challenges and changes like any other successful 'normal' man?" "What would I be like?????" Sitting here now and looking back I would have been more "normal." I would have valued a "comfortable" job with all the benefits and perks. I would probably be married to a guy who went to a frat at U.C or Miami. I wouldn't have moved to Atlanta right after college graduation "just because." My first love wouldn't have been a magician who won awards, reeked in creativity, and who suffered bipolar with a few huge nervous breakdowns in his past. I wouldn't have the motto "Life is too short for impressive job titles." I wouldn't see the need to do things for my own mental health, such as running long distances, working out hard core, praying constantly, cooking, painting, reading, studying the effects of nutrition, writing..... This list will continue to grow.
Let's start at the beginning now. My sophomore year in High school a week went by where I hardly slept. My circadian rhythm was off due to sickness and a slumber party. Starting with the first night I couldn't sleep, anxiety was all over me. Laying there all night long and feeling anxious the entire time was awful. I was so anxious I wouldn't be able to fall asleep that I wasn't able to fall asleep. My mom proclaimed over the phone to me, "Look, if you don't sleep well one night, then just wait for the next night." But, that didn't help whatsoever. The anxiety wasn't going away. I felt it all day and all night. I went days and thought, "I am just like dad."
After weeks of this mental torture a friend of mine, Sarah, invited me to hear a speaker at her church. He was a man that had been sexually abused by a Catholic priest during his childhood. He told us of all the challenges he faced as he learned to forgive this priest. It was all in the power of God that he was able to do so. At the end, he asked if anyone needed prayers for forgiveness towards those who done them wrong. A few teenage boys stepped up to the alter. He asked the rest of us to circle around them, put a hand on their back, and pray for them. I prayed for this kid and for the power that only God can provide. There is no explanation on my part, but peace resided in me and the anxiety was gone. I hadn't been praying for myself, but God answered my needs also. That whole time of anxiety, I didn't want any circumstances to change in order to sleep and feel peace. All I wanted, so badly, was to know if God was in my life. Yes, he proved it. I went home that night, simply laid down, and fell asleep.
At times, though, the anxious thoughts would creep back in my head... "what if I can't sleep?" "what if I get huge bags under my eyes that no make up will cover?" "what if I don't get straight A's all because I am too tired??" "oh, my gosh I am going to flunk out." But, I would pray through it and try hard to think positive thoughts. Sometimes, it took perseverance... and more perseverance.
Six months later, I was about to head off for band camp. The over taking anxiety slipped back into mind. I could only sleep a few hours a night the few nights right before we had to leave. I remember, specifically, packing my bags and jumping around to music at 2 am in the morning. I told myself that it was completely normal to not sleep before band camp.
In the heat of July, with no air conditioning, in a dorm room at a strange college is not a good place to feel exhausted. That first night ... I didn't sleep... at all. I laid there and thought, "What if I don't sleep at all and then I pass out on the field??" "What if they have to carry me away on a stretcher into an ambulance as I wave to my fellow band members, and say 'I'm sorry, I didn't get enough sleep?" Then I stifled my laughter to that last question because my roommate was.. not awake like I was. The alarm went off early that morning. I rubbed my head, and told a chaperone that I didn't feel good. All of a sudden, I couldn't breath as my chest was heaving in and out. I had no idea what was happening to my mind and body. Thankfully, the chaperone declared, "you are having a panic attack!" and grabbed a paper bag. She told me to breath, using the edges of the bag on my lips. After a few seconds, I could control my breathing again. I was told to take my time getting ready for practice. After everyone else had headed out to the field, I slowly got ready in the bathroom. I stared at a stall door and thought, "Apparently, I can't handle a lot of stress in life so I should tone down the life goals. It's all right if I am a stay at home or a babysitter well into my adult hood." That day's work of marching around and holding a clarinet (like I really had the music memorized??) lead me to fall asleep that night. The anxiety didn't leave me yet. I had to push through it. When I was finally home, after that week of hard work on little sleep, I was proud of myself for still living.
Ever since then, I haven't had anything that mentally traumatic happen to me. Over the years, I have learned about God, myself, and what to focus on. It has made a huge difference. God has shown me how far the East is from the West. When I wake up now in the middle of the night I talk to God or pray over the next day's schedule. It oddly, brings my mind peace to raddle off what I will do, in chronological order, the next day.
Also, in high school and college the morning was the time of day I felt the most anxious. Now, I love mornings, the freshness of a new day and what challenges I will hurdle or what books I will read.
Things I have learned since High School:
1. God is my ultimate Father and I shouldn't strive to get approval from anyone else.
2. What I eat and what my environment is can play a HUGE role in my mental health.
3. There are times when I don't "feel like" doing something. I have to make the decision to do it anyway and I ALWAYS, always am glad I did it. My mind and body feel so much better:) Running 8 to 13 miles is the first thing that comes to mind:)
4. Life is short and don't waste it on superficial, "normal", comfortable addictions...
5. God knows what I have done and what I will do. He knows my dad too through all the sleepless nights he has faced. God loves us both and doesn't hold my dad's mind against him.
6. My Junior year at Miami I went on a mission trip over spring break with The Navigators. There I learned that I am at my best when I can serve, serve, serve and be under strong creative influence:)
7. The media is full of tricks... don't believe everything. Research! Research!
8. Don't date competitive runners who win races all the time... they are full of arrogance and self righteousness. They can't stop talking about nutrition and training!!! I mean, crazy, who does that???;)
9. God is the reason I am not worried all the time. Sure, situations occur and negative "what if?" questions hit my train of thought. But, just as fast, to counter act the anxious mind set, I start to pray. Sometimes, the instant I start the conversation with God I feel calm. Sometimes, it takes a few weeks to battle it over and over. But, that's rare and only in extreme conditions :)
What things have you learned since High School??? How has God set you free from worry??
Sometimes I wonder, "What if my dad was normal?" "What if he wasn't caught in the ugly triangle of OCD, depression, and anxiety?" "What if he took on challenges and changes like any other successful 'normal' man?" "What would I be like?????" Sitting here now and looking back I would have been more "normal." I would have valued a "comfortable" job with all the benefits and perks. I would probably be married to a guy who went to a frat at U.C or Miami. I wouldn't have moved to Atlanta right after college graduation "just because." My first love wouldn't have been a magician who won awards, reeked in creativity, and who suffered bipolar with a few huge nervous breakdowns in his past. I wouldn't have the motto "Life is too short for impressive job titles." I wouldn't see the need to do things for my own mental health, such as running long distances, working out hard core, praying constantly, cooking, painting, reading, studying the effects of nutrition, writing..... This list will continue to grow.
Let's start at the beginning now. My sophomore year in High school a week went by where I hardly slept. My circadian rhythm was off due to sickness and a slumber party. Starting with the first night I couldn't sleep, anxiety was all over me. Laying there all night long and feeling anxious the entire time was awful. I was so anxious I wouldn't be able to fall asleep that I wasn't able to fall asleep. My mom proclaimed over the phone to me, "Look, if you don't sleep well one night, then just wait for the next night." But, that didn't help whatsoever. The anxiety wasn't going away. I felt it all day and all night. I went days and thought, "I am just like dad."
After weeks of this mental torture a friend of mine, Sarah, invited me to hear a speaker at her church. He was a man that had been sexually abused by a Catholic priest during his childhood. He told us of all the challenges he faced as he learned to forgive this priest. It was all in the power of God that he was able to do so. At the end, he asked if anyone needed prayers for forgiveness towards those who done them wrong. A few teenage boys stepped up to the alter. He asked the rest of us to circle around them, put a hand on their back, and pray for them. I prayed for this kid and for the power that only God can provide. There is no explanation on my part, but peace resided in me and the anxiety was gone. I hadn't been praying for myself, but God answered my needs also. That whole time of anxiety, I didn't want any circumstances to change in order to sleep and feel peace. All I wanted, so badly, was to know if God was in my life. Yes, he proved it. I went home that night, simply laid down, and fell asleep.
At times, though, the anxious thoughts would creep back in my head... "what if I can't sleep?" "what if I get huge bags under my eyes that no make up will cover?" "what if I don't get straight A's all because I am too tired??" "oh, my gosh I am going to flunk out." But, I would pray through it and try hard to think positive thoughts. Sometimes, it took perseverance... and more perseverance.
Six months later, I was about to head off for band camp. The over taking anxiety slipped back into mind. I could only sleep a few hours a night the few nights right before we had to leave. I remember, specifically, packing my bags and jumping around to music at 2 am in the morning. I told myself that it was completely normal to not sleep before band camp.
In the heat of July, with no air conditioning, in a dorm room at a strange college is not a good place to feel exhausted. That first night ... I didn't sleep... at all. I laid there and thought, "What if I don't sleep at all and then I pass out on the field??" "What if they have to carry me away on a stretcher into an ambulance as I wave to my fellow band members, and say 'I'm sorry, I didn't get enough sleep?" Then I stifled my laughter to that last question because my roommate was.. not awake like I was. The alarm went off early that morning. I rubbed my head, and told a chaperone that I didn't feel good. All of a sudden, I couldn't breath as my chest was heaving in and out. I had no idea what was happening to my mind and body. Thankfully, the chaperone declared, "you are having a panic attack!" and grabbed a paper bag. She told me to breath, using the edges of the bag on my lips. After a few seconds, I could control my breathing again. I was told to take my time getting ready for practice. After everyone else had headed out to the field, I slowly got ready in the bathroom. I stared at a stall door and thought, "Apparently, I can't handle a lot of stress in life so I should tone down the life goals. It's all right if I am a stay at home or a babysitter well into my adult hood." That day's work of marching around and holding a clarinet (like I really had the music memorized??) lead me to fall asleep that night. The anxiety didn't leave me yet. I had to push through it. When I was finally home, after that week of hard work on little sleep, I was proud of myself for still living.
Ever since then, I haven't had anything that mentally traumatic happen to me. Over the years, I have learned about God, myself, and what to focus on. It has made a huge difference. God has shown me how far the East is from the West. When I wake up now in the middle of the night I talk to God or pray over the next day's schedule. It oddly, brings my mind peace to raddle off what I will do, in chronological order, the next day.
Also, in high school and college the morning was the time of day I felt the most anxious. Now, I love mornings, the freshness of a new day and what challenges I will hurdle or what books I will read.
Things I have learned since High School:
1. God is my ultimate Father and I shouldn't strive to get approval from anyone else.
2. What I eat and what my environment is can play a HUGE role in my mental health.
3. There are times when I don't "feel like" doing something. I have to make the decision to do it anyway and I ALWAYS, always am glad I did it. My mind and body feel so much better:) Running 8 to 13 miles is the first thing that comes to mind:)
4. Life is short and don't waste it on superficial, "normal", comfortable addictions...
5. God knows what I have done and what I will do. He knows my dad too through all the sleepless nights he has faced. God loves us both and doesn't hold my dad's mind against him.
6. My Junior year at Miami I went on a mission trip over spring break with The Navigators. There I learned that I am at my best when I can serve, serve, serve and be under strong creative influence:)
7. The media is full of tricks... don't believe everything. Research! Research!
8. Don't date competitive runners who win races all the time... they are full of arrogance and self righteousness. They can't stop talking about nutrition and training!!! I mean, crazy, who does that???;)
9. God is the reason I am not worried all the time. Sure, situations occur and negative "what if?" questions hit my train of thought. But, just as fast, to counter act the anxious mind set, I start to pray. Sometimes, the instant I start the conversation with God I feel calm. Sometimes, it takes a few weeks to battle it over and over. But, that's rare and only in extreme conditions :)
What things have you learned since High School??? How has God set you free from worry??
Saturday, March 12, 2016
Victim of an unhealthy mind: My DAD
For YEARS my sister and I would complain about our father. His obsession with numbers and how he couldn't talk much about anything else. How he would never clean the house and trash for weeks on end. How after trying to have a conversation with him, we would want to beat our head on the table. How he could never see a positive side to things. How ANY change would set him off to be even more depressed or anxious or both. How he may not be able to remember something that we said, BUT he could have our phone number, library card number, our social security number, our income to the cent, our weight, our height, AND our checking account number memorized in a jiffy.
My dad's calculator stopped working years ago and of course, to add it to the list of things he won't replace, he hasn't bought a new one. He has been balancing his check book in his head. Of all the things that I pray and worry about it in my father's life, his finances aren't one of them.
Over the years while the internet and social media has taken over everyone's lives he has used the world wide web for one thing: to research animals. He even knows about a few different parasites in detail and their Latin names. If my dad isn't at home or work, then he is probably at the library.
Over the past 10 years or so, every once in awhile, I will catch a moment when his mind is healthier and how it "used to be." His laughter is contagious, he is rolling his eyes with a big grin, giving that hilarious perspective in a one liner comment and moving his head rhythmically to the beat of a 1970's classic rock song.
When we were kids our dad would love to make us laugh. He would roll his eyes as far as he could to the side and then calmly state with his paralyzed eyes, "oh my gosh, they're stuck." When spring would roll around, he would randomly bust out with the same poem, "Spring is sprung, the grass is ris', I wonders where the birdies is..." Then he would whistle to the best of his ability like a bird singing in the spring.
He is the man that introduced me to funny, what is funny and how to be funny. One time my mom informed me that I got the wit and sense of humor from my dad. It is one of the biggest compliments I have ever received.
This past week an accumulation of events and the ugly battle with his unhealthy mind led him to the ER. If he hadn't driven himself to the hospital... If he hadn't cried for help... If he hadn't admitted that he needs extreme psychiatric care he would have lost the battle completely. He is a victim to his mind. He CANNOT let go of his past and he CANNOT stop the anxiety of future events. He very rarely can enjoy a moment in life. He did not choose to be this way. If it were up to him he would have a different life. He has a mental disease and needs to be treated just like any other chronically ill patient. We almost lost him this week, but THANK GOD he is a fighter. In his very, very, VERY weird way my dad is a fighter. God loves him just as much as missionaries, just as much as doctors, and just as much as any person with a healthy mind.
My dad's calculator stopped working years ago and of course, to add it to the list of things he won't replace, he hasn't bought a new one. He has been balancing his check book in his head. Of all the things that I pray and worry about it in my father's life, his finances aren't one of them.
Over the years while the internet and social media has taken over everyone's lives he has used the world wide web for one thing: to research animals. He even knows about a few different parasites in detail and their Latin names. If my dad isn't at home or work, then he is probably at the library.
Over the past 10 years or so, every once in awhile, I will catch a moment when his mind is healthier and how it "used to be." His laughter is contagious, he is rolling his eyes with a big grin, giving that hilarious perspective in a one liner comment and moving his head rhythmically to the beat of a 1970's classic rock song.
When we were kids our dad would love to make us laugh. He would roll his eyes as far as he could to the side and then calmly state with his paralyzed eyes, "oh my gosh, they're stuck." When spring would roll around, he would randomly bust out with the same poem, "Spring is sprung, the grass is ris', I wonders where the birdies is..." Then he would whistle to the best of his ability like a bird singing in the spring.
He is the man that introduced me to funny, what is funny and how to be funny. One time my mom informed me that I got the wit and sense of humor from my dad. It is one of the biggest compliments I have ever received.
This past week an accumulation of events and the ugly battle with his unhealthy mind led him to the ER. If he hadn't driven himself to the hospital... If he hadn't cried for help... If he hadn't admitted that he needs extreme psychiatric care he would have lost the battle completely. He is a victim to his mind. He CANNOT let go of his past and he CANNOT stop the anxiety of future events. He very rarely can enjoy a moment in life. He did not choose to be this way. If it were up to him he would have a different life. He has a mental disease and needs to be treated just like any other chronically ill patient. We almost lost him this week, but THANK GOD he is a fighter. In his very, very, VERY weird way my dad is a fighter. God loves him just as much as missionaries, just as much as doctors, and just as much as any person with a healthy mind.
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